Pregnancy loss is such a common thing people go through and I realized after my first one that nobody really talks about it. I was intentionally very open about my miscarriages because it helped me process my grief and also I found that it encouraged other women to share their experiences with pregnancy loss. I knew my mom had experienced two miscarriages but I was shocked but also comforted to hear so many other women had gone through this.

Our second son was less than a year old so the news of pregnancy itself came as a shock but finding out I had miscarried was even more of a shock to me. I had just had two relatively smooth pregnancies prior to it and maybe I was just too overconfident. Like it’s something that I’ve heard happens but surely it wouldn’t happen to me? 

At 9 weeks, I went for my first prenatal appointment with my midwife and was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound because her fetal Doppler did not detect a heartbeat. I had a bad feeling driving to the hospital and, sure enough, the ultrasound confirmed that the embryo had stopped developing at around 7 weeks. I had had a missed/silent miscarriage (when the embryo or fetus stops developing but hasn’t physically miscarried). This was the most shocking and frustrating part for me. I had been so miserably sick yet my body was refusing to let it go. To make things worse, my husband had not joined me for this appointment so I was left feeling so alone with the news. I kept it together in the hospital but started uncontrollably crying as soon as I sat in my car.

I was told at the hospital to wait another week to let my body flush out the fetal/pregnancy tissue naturally but if that did not happen, my options were:

• Medication – to help expel the fetal and pregnancy tissue from the uterus. 
• Dilatation and curettage (D&C) – a procedure to remove fetal and pregnancy tissue from inside the uterus under general anesthesia
• Manual vacuum aspiration (MVA) – a procedure to remove fetal and pregnancy tissue from the uterus while awake by using a narrow tube to enter and empty the uterus using suction

A week went by and nature had not taken its course and my pregnancy symptoms were unfortunately still going strong. I opted for the D&C and had my sister drop me off at the hospital while my kids stayed with my mom. Looking back now, I question why I didn’t ask my husband to accompany me to the hospital and why didn’t he make sure to be there? I think he had dissociated from the entire thing. He really didn’t feel ready for a third child and, as much as I understood his perspective, I just felt so alone in my loss. It felt especially lonely when I woke up in the recovery room – in that groggy state after general anesthesia – to a nurse looking down at me instead of him. My husband and I have talked a lot about how we handled everything about this situation and we both agree that many things could and should have been done differently.

My menstrual cycle kicked back in 4 weeks post procedure and I knew that the D&C was successful and I could finally start letting go of what could have been. The D&C took place in October 2021 and I found out I was pregnant again in February 2022. I went for an ultrasound at around 9 weeks and this time with my husband. We had seen normal ultrasound images before and we both knew immediately that something was wrong. I was told, again, that I had had a missed miscarriage and the embryo had stopped developing around 7 weeks. I won’t lie, I was better prepared for the news this time around but it came as a huge shock all the same. The likelihood of having two or more miscarriages in a row is quite low and I really hoped I wouldn’t be part of that minority group.

Unfortunately my body refused to let go of the miscarried pregnancy again so in order to avoid having another D&C soon after the first, I opted for the medication route. I went into the office for my first dose, mifepristone, and took the second dose, misoprostol, at home (I think it was 48 hours later) and a few hours after the second dose, my body began flushing everything out, in the comfort of my own bathroom at least. Everything seemed to have gone as expected and again I just needed to wait for my cycle to kick back in so I could move past the grief of another loss. 8 weeks went by, however, and my cycle had not come back. I was having light vaginal bleeding on and off for those 8 weeks but one day I got out of bed and suddenly started losing a lot of blood. An ultrasound found that I had retained products of conception (RPOC) – placental/fetal tissue that had remained in my uterus – and since RPOC can cause serious complications, I was immediately seen by an OBGYN for an MVA procedure.

My husband was out of town with the boys for a few days so I went to the MVA alone. I thought I would be totally fine alone but gosh was I wrong! I was fortunate to have a sweet nurse by my side squeezing my hand through the process but really the pain and discomfort were just awful for me. I sobbed uncontrollably once I got back into my car but was relieved that this would be the end of it.

I drove to my mom’s after the MVA, tucked myself into her guest room bed, and fell asleep for I don’t even remember how many hours. I woke up with a low grade fever but forced myself to go home because I had to take care of our 2 dogs waiting at home. I got home, fed and let out the dogs, and passed out for what ended up being one hell of a night. My fever spiked and had terrible fever dreams all night (I remember waking up a few times to my dogs looking at me worriedly). My husband called to check in on me in the morning and convinced me to get out of bed for a thermometer, which read 103+. I called my OBGYN and was told it was likely an infection and to go to the ER immediately. The OBGYN was right, there had been a bacterial infection developing and as soon as the retained tissue was removed after the MVA, the bacteria that was lodged between my uterine wall and the tissue spread like wildfire. I was treated for the infection and about 6 hours later was stable enough for discharge. My mom picked me up and I stayed at her place until my husband came back the next day.

So there I was, in a little less than year I had experienced 2 missed miscarriages AND all three treatment options available, with one of them resulting in complications. I wish my body had passed the miscarriage naturally but at the same time I am so grateful for the availability of medical treatments today. To think that women often died (or continue to die today) for reasons that are very treatable today…I would have left two little boys behind without a mother and my heart feels heavy just thinking about it.

I was heartbroken from the losses but the grief had me feeling guilty. Why should I be grieving when I have two beautiful children already? Don’t I have enough? Shouldn’t I be grateful for what I have instead of grieving what could have been? My life was so full but I still felt so empty and lonely. As time passed, I started to think about how to channel the grief toward something positive. Maybe having had firsthand experience of pregnancy loss would allow me to deeply empathize and connect with other women as they process their loss. Maybe sharing my experience could help other women feel less alone. I decided I’d stay true to myself and that I would talk openly and honestly about my experience to create a comfortable space for others to listen and share their experience with loss. Or maybe just find comfort in hearing my story even if they are not ready to share theirs.

Fortunately, I eventually went on to have a double rainbow baby. I read a book recommended to me by a high school friend, who had recently had a triple rainbow baby (a baby after three consecutive miscarriages). I’ll write another post about the book I read and what we did to increase the chances of having a healthy pregnancy. The likelihood of miscarriage increases after each miscarriage and I really didn’t want to suffer another one. The first thing my husband and MIL said, right after finding out about the second miscarriage, was “maybe your body just isn’t ready” (wrong thing to say to someone who’s just found out she’s had a miscarriage!) but they were right and I wanted to make sure my body was as ready as could be. Don’t worry, I did make sure to let my husband know that HIS health just as much contributes to a successful pregnancy 🙂 but more on that in another post.